From The Desk Of Angel season 5
by Cari7
Summary: Angel's journal for Season 5. I do not own any of the characters. Winner of the “Still His Girl” Award for Walk a Mile in my Shoes POV category and for the I Wish I’d Said That category. Winner of The Bronze’s Fang and Stake Award for fiction.
1. Episodes 1 thru 12

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters… it's all so sad. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own it all.

**From The Desk of Angel**

**_Sunrise  
_**  
(This takes place after the events of ANGEL Season 4 Finale "Home")

"Waiting for the sunrise." If anyone asked me, that's what I'd tell them. Not that anyone did of course. I'm alone in my office now.

My office. Not the one in the Hyperion that's dim and warm, and smells like old books and dust. That's behind me now. You'd think that after all this time, all these years, I'd be use to change. That it wouldn't bother me to pick up and move and never look back. But it does this time.

Not that the old hotel has a whole lot of great memories for me. I wonder how the realtor will explain the giant pentagram that's still visible on the lobby floor? Oh well, not really my problem. I do have problems, but that one isn't mine anymore.

Dawn is coming. I can feel it just below the horizon though the sky is no less dark than it was. And I sit and wait for it, in my office with the curtains thrown back, completely exposed to it. Of course, I'm not worried because my office is now inside Wolfram and Hart- the belly of the beast. Fitting somehow that the light can't touch me here.

"The beast's belly...doesn't that usually mean you've been eaten?" Yep, I was going to march in here and tell them they could kiss my vampire ass. That they didn't have anything I needed or wanted. But it wasn't me that needed what they had, it was Connor. And how could I not give him what he needed? And now he's gone and I get the fabulous resources of Wolfram and Hart. It only cost me everything. No, scratch that. I lost my son- again- and I've lost the comfort of anyone even remembering that he existed. But when I think about Wesley, Fred, Cordy, Gunn and Lorne I realize that I have so much more to lose in this deal. It's only a matter of time before the bill comes due. What will I do when it does? I've been alive for too long not to know when I'm being given enough rope to hang myself. Wolfram and Hart couldn't destroy me, so they are going to let me destroy me. I get that. I knew it then but I made the decision anyway. Because there was no other way.

So I wait for the sunrise, and through the necro-tempered glass I'll watch it in all it's glory. I've paid for that much at least.

**_The First Day_**

(This takes place right after the dual season premier of season premier "Convictions" and "Just Rewards")

"I'm from Wolfram and Hart." Everytime I say it, it sounds bad. I hear it, it's my voice... and it's just Wrong. Capital "W".

But it's all "Wrong"- everything about Wolfram and Hart... Everything with my team... Spike... SPIKE! God, he's the most wrong of all the wrong things. No, actually THAT'S wrong. I'm the most wrong of them all .

They all think I'm being broody. That this deal we've struck with Wolfram and Hart is stuck in my craw. That I'm angry because I can't help Cordy. And now Spike shows up and I'll have to deal with him somehow. Well yeah, ALL that... and then there is what they don't know. And hell, I don't even know what it is they think they know. I can't exactly walk up to one of them and say "Oh by the way, how do you remember your life this past year?" I can't talk to any of them about Connor or even how Cordy really ended up comatose. My friends believe in a lie and I'm the one who gave them that lie... so yeah, I've got stress.

We were all surprised and leery of Gunn when he told us what he let Wolfram and Hart do to him. But inside I know I'm a hypocrite. We both made deals with the Devil- but at least he's up front about his. His decision may ultimately effect us all, but he only changed himself. I took it upon myself to change all their lives without their knowledge. I know how I would react if I found out someone had done that to me so I pray they never find out what I did to them. I wouldn't expect them to understand or forgive me and I wouldn't ask... because in the same circumstances I'd do it again.

So, tomorrow, when I have to say "I'm from Wolfram and Hart." it will still sound wrong but it will be necessary. And I will help the hopeless with the resources I have. I will protect the innocent from the most evil of our evil clients and I will try to keep my poor deceived friends safe. I don't know if The Powers That Be are still guiding me, but I still have a mission- a path. So I'll keep on it until I get to wherever it leads. Hopefully it's not a dead-end.

Ok, so maybe I'm a little broody.

**_Spike  
_**  
(This takes place right after the dual season premier of season premier "Convictions" and "Just Rewards")

Guilt. If you let it, guilt can rise up and swallow you whole. Make you weak and helpless and keep you from doing what you need to do. Yep, it sucks all right.

When I first got my soul back, all I'd done as Angelus came to me with crystal clarity and I was horrified. Horrified that I'd done those things, but also horrified that I felt guilt over doing them. I understood very well Darla's disgust with me- a vampire who felt bad for killing! I was disgusted with myself. I wanted to be what I had been... but I couldn't.

Guilt breeds more guilt and I'm a prime example of that.

Which is why Spike bothers me so damn much. Sure, it's not like we were ever buddies. Even when I was evil, he was Dru's plaything, nothing more. And I can't even think about this "thing" he had with Buffy.

But of everything there is to despise about Spike, what gets to me the most is that he got his soul back- but doesn't seem to have the guilt part to go with it.

Three weeks in a basement, mumbling to himself like a nutcase and then he's FINE? Where was THAT program when I got mine back?

Maybe it's because he asked for his back and mine was a punishment. Maybe The Powers That Be or whoever is responsible thought a vampire who was actually asking for his soul back was pathetic enough.

But what about the guilt? It should still be there. I've come to the realization that no matter how much good I do now, the guilt for what I did then is always going to be with me. Hell, the guilt for things I've done to do good, is always going to be with me. Remember what I said about guilt breeding guilt?

So... where is Spike's guilt?

**_Champions_**

(This takes place after "Hellbound".)

Fred said that Spike is a champion... just like me. I didn't argue. I've heard that word so many times, been called it and I've never argue with it. For awhile I might have even believed it was true, but mostly it's just been a word. Now they are calling Spike one. Why? Because he saved the world and sacrificed himself? Because he's a vampire with a soul? Sounds familiar.

I want to argue that he's nothing like me, that he's done everything for selfish reasons. He saved the world, yes, but he did it for Buffy, not for the good of mankind. He fights on the side of good, but he does that because that's where Buffy is. He's done some petty things...Ran around here distracting Fred with his problem when she was trying to help with finding Nina. And I wonder, would he have saved Wes or Gunn if our friend the doctor had grabbed one of them instead of Fred? I'd like to point these things out to all or them and tell them he's a fake. That just because he's a vampire with a soul, it doesn't make him good and it doesn't make him a champion.

But if I do that, how long before they start looking at me?

Why am I a champion? How long after I got my soul back did I pull myself out of sewer and become a "champion"? Too long. And why did I do that to begin with? Buffy. Where would I be now if I'd had walked away from Whistler?

I can point at Spike and tell them he's a charlatan but then I will call attention to myself... and we are more alike than I will ever admit outside my own thoughts. My road to redemption began the same way, and for the same reason, that his has.

Whether for guilt or love, what does it matter WHY he's on the side of good... so long as he is. Maybe I need to step back and acknowledge that outside my own head. Maybe I should give him more of the benefit of the doubt that this isn't going to be a passing fancy with him. And that I can turn my back on him once in awhile without waiting for the stab.

Of course having your back turned is how you usually get bit in the ass.

**_Perpetual Torment_**

(This takes place after "Destiny")

So Spike beat me. So what? Bound to happen just by the odds. How many fights have we had, how many times did I beat him down... so... it had to happen sooner or later.

Of course, none of those other fights mattered. None of them was to determine one of our destinies. And when it came down to it, I choked.

I fought him as hard as I could and he won. First time and only time it mattered... and he won. Gunn says that it doesn't matter, doesn't mean anything because the cup was a trick. No one got to Shanshu. It was a joke. The only thing Spike beat me too was a mouthful of warm Mountain Dew.

But it matters to me. The fact that the cup wasn't real doesn't take away the fact that we both thought it was. We fought as though it were real... and I lost.

I can shake off the "what if's" but I can't shake the "what's it mean." Because it means something. Sirk said that the one who drinks first was meant to. And sure, the cup was a lie but what he said wasn't. The one who is destined to Shanshu, will. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from thinking that maybe Spike wanted it more. I can't bring myself to think that he deserves it more because then I have to think about all the reasons why he doesn't deserve it. How many he's killed, lives ruined by his rampages... which makes me think about the reason for THAT. And that reason is me.

So instead I'll go with "he wanted it more." Which doesn't make me feel any better really, because how could he want it more than me? That means something too now doesn't it?

And let's not forget that I don't know who set this fun little exercise up, or why.

Great. More to brood about.

**_Sides and Trust_**

(this takes place after "Damage")

Buffy doesn't trust me.

It's not the first time. Knowing how her life is and how my un-life is, it probably won't be the last time. I heard what Andrew said and I would have really loved to pop his head off for it. But that wouldn't have changed the fact that what he said was the truth. Buffy doesn't trust me. She doesn't think we are on the same side anymore.

And what can I say about that? That since taking over Wolfram and Hart, I've done good? That I've prevented things that I couldn't have prevented without the resources I have now? That I can make a difference that I couldn't have made before? It's all true... every word of it is the truth.

Cordy said once that Angelus lies with the truth. I guess now I do too.

The grey area seems to stretch on, widening every day that I sit behind that desk and Spike is out doing my job, as he put it. Eve tried to kill me and I'm forced to take it in stride, and watch while my team-my friends- take it a bit too easily in stride. They seem too well adjusted... but on the upside, at least they do seem to trust me. Now I wonder what that says about them.

It hurts that she doesn't trust me.

It scares me that I don't trust me.

**_The Apple_**

(This takes place after the first 12 episodes of Season 5, starting with "Conviction" and ending with "You're Welcome")

When Eve gave me that apple, I took a big bite- because I knew where the worm was. Wolfram & Hart was evil, but we could change it.

What a crock. A worm is a worm. You can't make it be anything else. The more you hack it into pieces, the more worm you have to deal with.

I'm pretty sure I knew that at the beginning. I made a big speech to the others about how we were going to make a difference- I think I still had hope. But now I'm more convinced that I was, at best, protecting them. At worse, deceiving them more. Keeping them from thinking too hard and long about what it is we've done... what I've done.

I've been waiting for one of them to ask me how we got here. I'm worried that they will... and even more worried that they haven't. They do their jobs, towing the company line, happy in the "grey area" that we now inhabit. I've done the math, I've stacked the good we've done against the "compromises"... No matter what, it hasn't balanced out for me.

I cut off the head of an employee who was killing virgins. But I let the son of a bitch running a slavery operation AND who hid a deadly virus inside his own son's body, live.

I killed the head of my security team because he tried to kill me. But Eve attached a coma inducing parasite to me and she lived to tell the tale. Yep, I remember that we helped Nina and killed the Necromancer, contained Pavayne and stopped Dana's psycho slayer rampage without killing her. So I asked myself, what are those? Marks in our "good" column when we have to let something evil slip by?

And what about those parasite induced dreams. Doesn't take Freud to figure out I'm having trust issues. Feeling lost- I know it- and not trusting my friends to help me come back. Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and sometimes a stake in the heart is a stake in the heart. Although he doesn't remember it, Wesley's betrayed me before... Gunn and Lorne let them mess around in their heads for God's sake! Fred... sometimes she gets a look on her face, and I just know she's going to ask. But then she goes back to work in her lab.

They've changed and I don't trust them. But since I'm the one who brought them here , and every move I make might be playing right into the Senior Partner's hands, how can I trust me?.

It's a common theme it seems. And why not? Spike has apparently been doing what I'm suppose to be doing. Spike! I can't even count the number of ways that's wrong. The crazy thing is that he's not even at the top of my list of worries. Andrew was right when he said we already have enough problems. Whoever sent the cyborg wanted to control me. The Slayers, while perhaps not exactly against me, certainly aren't with me. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if the time came when Buffy thinks that greyness has become a bit too dark.

So I had enough of that color. I decided that it was going to be black and white from now on. That I couldn't do this anymore. I was quitting and going back to where I belong.

And then Cordy woke up.

I was lost. This whole time I've been floundering around in this mess without my guide. Doubting the Shanshu prophesy, even while daring to hope it might still be real... because without Cordy, The Powers seemed so far away. Like they didn't care anymore or didn't exist. All my doubts were overwhelming me, keeping me from remembering who I am... But she reminded me. She showed me the way, again. Made me believe in myself and showed me that I still have a path.

She woke up because I AM where I belong. I just needed her to show me that. Needed her to look at me and see what I was so that I could see that I STILL am what I was:

I'm Angel and I beat the bad guys.

Wolfram and Hart is evil but I'm not. I can say that we will do good and not doubt it because I know it's the truth now. Because Cordy believed it was true.

And now she's gone.


	2. Episodes 13 thru 16

**_War Is Hell_**  
  
(Takes place after "Why We Fight" and ties in with my story "Me, Myself and Angelus")  
  
It wasn't my war. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I didn't want to care. So I decided that I didn't. I'm not proud of how I was or what I did.   
  
You can't change the past. You can only change you. I think I've done that but I know I have my doubts sometimes.  
  
I had a talk with Angelus. Had a.... dream.... or something. He told me that I hadn't changed at all. That everything I'd done when we came to Wolfram and Hart was because I'm the same vampire that I was out on that sub. That I'm the same vampire who turned Lawson and abandoned him to his fate. That when the going gets tough, I do what I have to do to make the outcome what's best for me.  
  
He would see it that way.   
  
When you don't have a soul, all the decisions I've made, including Lawson, make sense on that level. And the best thing about it is, you don't ever have to think about it again.  
  
But I have a soul. And I think about all I've done every day of my life. What I did to Lawson was necessary. It was wrong but, again, you can't change the past.   
  
What I've done to my friends... I know there will be a reckoning. It took Lawson 60 years, but it came. And when it comes I'll deal with it as best I can.   
  
What else can I do?

**_Puppet Theater  
_**  
(Takes place after "Smile Time")  
  
If you've lived as long as I have, you start to think you've seen everything. You think you've been everywhere and done everything. You start to think you've got it all figured out. It makes you sort of cynical. Ok, broody.  
  
We've been here at Wolfram and Hart for months now. I've been running things, thinking I'm seeing everything.... and now I realize that I haven't been paying attention at all.   
  
I totally missed all the signals Nina was sending me. Maybe I didn't want to see them because then I'd have to deal with it .  
  
There was a time not so very long ago when I would have dealt with that sort of problem just fine. But that was before Buffy. Before I found out about the line I walk and what happens if I cross it. Like I told Wes, I'm not "that guy". Not anymore.  
  
I heard what he said about the chances of Angelus making another appearance even if I gave Nina, or someone else, a chance. But the risk... well, it's there.  
  
Problem is... I like Nina. A lot. What's not to like? She's beautiful and sweet. And, being a werewolf she understands the whole creature of the night thing better than most. I sort of had the idea that maybe that was part of why she was attracted to me.  
  
And then I got turned into a puppet. A real felt and stuffing puppet. Hell, I could even pull my nose off and put it back on. There wasn't any part of that, that didn't suck.... well kicking Spike's ass didn't suck actually...but because of it, I did find out why Nina likes me: Because of me. Who I am. Sure, the vampire thing is part of it, but that's who I am too.   
  
So, I think that I can have breakfast with a pretty girl and not worry so much about where it's leading. Maybe if I relax a bit I'll be able to think about some of the other things I've been looking at and not seeing. Nina's interest is one thing to miss, but in a place like Wolfram and Hart... I need to keep my eyes open. I need to see what's going on around me, right now.  
  
Food for thought.  
  
And I still don't know what puppets eat.**_Darkness_**  
  
(Takes place after "Hole In The World" and "Shells")  
  
How many people do you have to lose before they take away your "Champion" status? I don't care about being a Champion but when I think about this role I've been given and the people I've lost... Doyle...Cordy... now Fred.... It makes me wonder. Is anyone counting the soldiers that have fallen in my mission? They should be.  
  
I was suppose to save her. I thought about it in the well. I thought about actually damning God knows how many people to get that demon bitch back to where it belongs and out of Fred. The idea of losing her, especially after I just lost Cordy, was too much.   
  
How pathetic must I be when Spike is actually trying to cheer me up? Said that we would have killed so many people and she wouldn't have wanted that. And he's right, she wouldn't have.   
  
Doesn't make me feel better. When I saw Illyria for the first time in Fred's body, I wished I had done it anyway.  
  
It was my fault.  
  
Knox picked Fred..... Gunn signed the papers.  
  
But I brought them to Wolfram and Hart.   
  
I've said that before, but the truth repeated a hundred times is still the truth. Sure, we were all given "the deal". Each one of us was given the "opportunity" to say no. No one had to say yes.  
  
Bullshit.   
  
Ultimately it was on me. They've dedicated their lives to the mission and that mission is with me. For better or worse. Til death do us part.   
  
Fred thought I could do it. Thought I could do anything. Thought I could save her. Maybe that's where the denial came from. Why I was so sure I could get her back, that there must be some way. Her body was altered but that's just a body. What she was, her soul, we could save her. I could save her. Because she was so sure I could.  
  
But she's gone. Her soul... everything that was Fred is gone.   
  
Sometimes you can't win. All reason and fairness says you are right. You fight the good fight, but it's not enough.   
  
Sometimes the darkness wins instead. 


	3. Episodes 17 thru 19

**_The Chewy Center_**  
  
(Takes place after "Underneath")  
  
The Apocalypse is here. I've been sitting in the middle of it all this time, signing my contracts and shuffling my papers while it plays out under my nose.  
  
The Senior Partners gave me busy work. Kept me from seeing what was going on. Maybe I'm not a big picture kind of guy- I see the wall, I punch the wall, I move on to the next wall. But I'm starting to see what Lindsey was talking about. About damn time too.   
  
And it only cost me Gunn.   
  
I'm trying to bring myself to face that. The information we've gotten from Lindsey is important, anything more will be just as important. But I left Gunn there.   
  
I left him. He said he wanted to do it. I know he's racked with guilt over Fred. But I'm the boss. I'm suppose to watch over them. I'm the Champion.  
  
I'm Angel. I'm suppose to keep them safe.   
  
When I told him all that about guilt and redemption, I just wanted to get him out of that damn hospital bed. Maybe I should have known. After all I am the King of Brood-land, so maybe I should have known something bad would have come out of his guilt.  
  
Bad things always happen here. There's always a price to be paid. It's why the Senior Partners set me up here- for every step forward we've made, we take two back.   
  
Two more gone.   
  
Well no more. No more distractions. No more accepting that things are the way they are. I'm in it now, eyes wide open. Lindsey and Eve and Hamilton and whoever else can just stay out of my way. Or not. Either way works for me.  
  
If The Apocalypse is here, I say bring it on.

**_What Comes Around_**  
  
(Takes place after "Origins")  
  
It's not like I didn't know it was going to happen eventually. But the funny thing about eventually is that you hope it won't come. Knowing it will isn't enough because you are always surprised when the time comes. Never quite prepared.  
  
And now Wesley knows. He knows what I did and why I did it. And what his role in it was.  
  
He's hurting. I wish I knew what to say to him but I don't.   
  
He took my son, betrayed me. Now he remembers that he did that... because he betrayed me again. Didn't trust me. Saw that I'd done something and was sure that he knew the best course of action.   
  
This time he gave me my son back.   
  
Connor is the son I hoped he'd be. He's smart and well adjusted. And although he's still their son, he knows he's mine too. He can't be here with me. We'll never be able to do the things that other sons and fathers get to do. But he's out there, and he's healthy. And he knows me and where I am if he needs me. And he doesn't hate me.   
  
It's more than I could have ever hoped for since I made my pact with Wolfram and Hart.   
  
Maybe what I should say to Wes is 'thank you.' but I don't think he'd understand it right now. He's lost and confused and in so much pain... Illyria always there and always a reminder of what he had.   
  
He's in Hell.  
  
As much as Gunn is doing his penance in that holding dimension, Wesley is doing his right here. And I have to do something to help them both. We'll never get through this unless we are together.  
  
You have to take care of your family.   
  
Thank you Connor for reminding me.  
  
I will.**_Slave_**  
  
(takes place after "TimeBomb" )  
  
Jumping around in time makes you confused and terrified . Also a little sea sick.  
  
Of course nothing is more sickening than seeing your friends dead on the floor and what remains of yourself in a heap ready for a dust pan.  
  
Or maybe there is something more sickening than that after all....   
  
I told the Fell Brethren that the child is theirs. Walked right into that office and watched the mother sign her child over to them.  
  
Gunn thinks I've lost my mind.   
  
I think that Wesley has.  
  
But there is one thing I do know for sure: I'm not a slave to this damn firm anymore.  
  
Wolfram and Hart wanted me to fight for that child. The Fell would have come down on us. We would have fought them.   
  
We would have been distracted.   
  
Maybe the invisible war isn't so invisible after all- it's just a matter of seeing what's there. Not becoming pulled in a different direction.  
  
Not being distracted.  
  
The Apocalypse is here and I have to find a way to fight it: Now. Whatever will happen to that child in the future, is in the future. And if I can't stop what's happening in the present, well, the future isn't going to be that big of a worry.  
  
So they can have him... for now.   
  
Illyria said that a ruler serves no master but his own ambition.   
  
Wolfram and Hart is going to find out how ambitious I can be. 


	4. Episodes 20 and 21

**Ah, Rome**  
  
(Takes place after "The Girl In Question")  
  
Buffy's with the Immortal. My feelings about that are better expressed with gratuitous violence and curses screamed that the tops of my lungs but I'll try to write it anyway.  
  
What's worse: that's she's with him, or that I had to hear about it from Andrew? Or maybe it's that there's nothing I can do about it. I'd rather she was with Spike.  
  
Ok, so that's a lie. Truth is I'll never be happy as long as she's not with me.  
  
I've told myself that I walked away. We had to be apart and I knew it and I had to be the one to make that decision. So I did. Given the circumstances of our lives, what future could we have together? So I left.  
  
Only I never really did. Not in my heart.   
  
That's the rub of it: We can't be together and we will never be apart.   
  
Forever love. I told Spike that what she and I have. And I believe it too. How do I know? Because from the beginning I knew it was doomed and it didn't stop us.  
  
Because even when I killed her friends, she didn't stop loving me.  
  
Because when she sent me to Hell, I didn't stop loving her.   
  
No matter what happens in the future, it's always going to be there. No matter who we meet or where we go, it always comes back to us. Angel and Buffy. Buffy and Angel. Forever.  
  
Whatever she has with him won't compare. Knowing that was the only reason I could get back on that plane and come home.  
  
Maybe Spike can move on, I think I'll envy him a little if he can.   
  
I'll make a go of it... maybe.  
  
So I got blown up and my heart broken and didn't even do the job I was suppose to do. But at least I feel somewhat closer to Spike.  
  
God, now I really am depressed.

**Heroes**  
  
(Takes Place after " Power Play")  
  
Nina called me a hero.   
  
A hero is someone who saves the day..... Or the night. Keeps everyone safe.   
  
I haven't always been able to do that. But, I guess to her, I am one. I did save her. I've kept her safe. And now, because of me, she will be far away when this thing I've set in motion finally comes to it's head.  
  
So that is what she sees me as.  
  
But I saw real heroes today, standing in my office.  
  
They raised their hands and agreed to follow me into Hell. And not for one minute did I think they wouldn't. I didn't doubt one of them. I knew they would do it.  
  
I wish they hadn't.   
  
After all the things I've said and done these past weeks, after seeing my potential for evil up close and personal, a quick crossbow bolt to the heart wouldn't have been un-reasonable.  
  
But they didn't write me off. They came to me, to save me. Even Spike.   
  
My friends. My family.   
  
They listened to what I had to say. They listen to me tell them that I was about to go on a suicide mission and that I needed them to come with me. That we weren't going to save the world- not really. That evil would still be here after we were through. That the Senior Partners would continue on in some form for as long as humans continue on the Earth.   
  
They raised their hands and said they would go with me. Raised their hands and agreed to die on their feet rather than live on their knees. Agreed that we could no longer just accept the way things are.   
  
I didn't lie: I can't do it without them because if I could, I would. But it doesn't change the fact that part of me wishes they had said no.   
  
They didn't, and now I have to lead them into a darkness that I don't think we will come out of. Not all of us, certainly. Possibly none of us.  
  
Sometimes the darkness wins, but for one bright moment, we will stand up to it.  
  
We will push it back and show what we are made of.  
  
We may go down, but we will take as much of it as we can with us.  
  
We will make a difference.  
  
We will be heroes.


	5. Episode 22

**_The Stand_**  
  
**(Takes place during "Not Fade Away", before the final moments.)  
**  
I don't want to die. I've lived 250 years as a vampire and I don't want to die any more than Wes or Gunn or any of the rest of them do.  
  
I look at them and I think that it should be easier for me to give up my life than it is for them. I've live so long, done so much. I've had more than that "full life" everyone wants to have.   
  
But it's not enough. I have so much more that I'd like to do before the end.   
  
The funny thing about that is, I could just walk away. I don't really have to do this. Wolfram and Hart are going to be around after we destroy the Black Thorn. One could make the arguement that I'm throwing away my life and the lives of my friends for nothing.   
  
I know that's not true though.   
  
When nothing we do matters, it matters what we do. We live as though the world were the way it should be, instead of how it is. And, if it's necessary, we die rather than become part of the problem.  
  
I write these words knowing that I've done some things lately that are less than heroic. And I still must give an order I'd rather not give. I honestly believe what I said to Lindsey- he could talk his way out of trouble and right into power. And I can't allow that. I hope that Lorne can understand and forgive me for what I am going to ask him to do.  
  
For today, I've given them the only thing that I have to give: a little time. Told them to go and do whatever it is they want to do. To walk in the sun... except for Spike of course, to see their friends... whatever they want to do.   
  
For me, I'm going to see Connor. My well adjusted, healthy, son. I won't tell him that it's probably the last time he'll see me. I certainly don't want him getting caught in this. I don't know if the Circle of the Black Thorn really has the power to take away the Shanshu or not. Maybe they were just jerking me around, testing me some more. Doesn't really matter though because there's always Connor. I know now what every parent knows; that they will live on through their child. And sure, it's not what the Shanshu promises, but considering I don't think that I'll make it through this night, it's more than enough.  
  
Wolfram and Hart have been trying to control me from the first moment we crossed paths. They've looked for a way to use me, and my friends, to fulfil their vision of how I fit into their Apocalypse.   
  
They almost had me.   
  
But tonight I will show them that I'm not their tool. I am not something they can control.   
  
I'm not their bitch anymore.   
  
And when they come down on us, it will be because we took the first shot. We wrote our own ending, if it comes to that.   
  
That's all I have left to say.... for now. 


End file.
